From TorahVort.com
Shidduchim
On popular demand I have written a Dvar Torah on Shidduchim, a very common way how orthodox Jews date. What does it entail? One finding their match can come in many forms, through a suggestion from a friend, family member, aquitance, shadchan. We learn in Parshah in Parshah Chaya Sara, that a vital essential ingredient that a Man should look for in a wife is the attribute of chesed. When Eliezer was appointed as a shadchan by Avraham, he informed him that the girl that Yitzchak was to marry has to be abundant in doing acts of Chesed, when Eliezer witnessed how Rebecca fed all of the camels and gave him plenty of drink, he knew that she would be the perfect partner for Yitzchak, one of three forefathers. Many sages state that it is always important for the women to be stronger in religious level, as the woman is usually believed to influence a husband very much in all aspects of religious level. Whether it is more spiritual or physical. There is a verse in the book of Mishlei that says (proverbs 9:1) ‘the wise one among the women builds her house.’ We learn of a wife who saved the husbands life, In the Tanach, in the book of Samuel, Michal Bat Shaul, helped the future King David to escape from a death trip that her father, King Saul had set up for him, in her great wisdom! Also in parshah Korach we learn of a man named, ‘Onn’, who was about to take part in a rebellion, however his wife got him drunk purposely before the morning of the rebellion, so that he would not take part in it, thus in turn saving his life! In the same verse in the book of Mishlei (proverbs 9:1) it states ‘But the wicked women demolishes it with her own hands.’ Examples in the Tanach of wives that influenced the husband for the bad can actually be seen in a couple weeks time in Parshah Korach. Korach had a wife that ridiculed him and the torah commandments constantly, and due to his wife’s constant bickering and negative attitude, he led a rebellion against Moshe in the wilderness, resulting in him and many of his followers being swallowed up by the earth. Also in the book of Kings, we learn of the wicked Queen Izevel, who influenced her husband, King Achav, to perform wicked deeds, including murdering Nabot for his vineyard. It is common when looking for a partner to have similar interests, similar backgrounds and culture, however there are many cases where opposites can attract and result in brilliant marriages. It is important when finding a quality in a woman, that she possesses fear in Hashem and loves Torah. A marriage should always revolve around the Torah. It is important to educate the children with Torah, sending them ideally to Jewish schools and keep to the true Torah values. When dating on Shidduchim, there is no Halacha (Jewish laws) in how many dates the couple should go on before getting engaged, in some cases it can even take many months and commonly among the ultra orthodox circles, a couple can get engaged even after a few dates. Usually among the ultra orthodox circles, the families get involved when setting up, making sure before going out that the potential couples goals are similar and suitable. A Shadchan (Go between) plays a huge role in everything, for better and even in some cases for worse. A Shadchan should always have the intention of doing it for the sake of Heaven and not just do it for the money. A shadchan is always entitled by Jewish Law to receiving payment if he/she successfully matches a couple if they get married, however a shadchan should have the intention of doing it also for the sake of Heaven and not make any people feel bad when doing it. Some sages have said that if a shadchan is successful in setting more than three couples up, they are guaranteed a portion in the world to come, however if just doing it with desire of acquiring honour and money, it will certainly not have the same effect. Before going on dates, the families may check out references of the potential wife or husband, references could be close relatives, family friends, good friends e.t.c. In Shidduchim one could also lose there world to come, especially Shadchanim have to be very careful about Lashon Hara. The Torah tells us about the sin of lashon hara immediately before discussing a mitzvah that involves dogs (Parshah Mishpatim – Chapter 22:30 and Chapter 23:1). The sages make a connection between the two and compare the habitual speaker of lashon hara to a dog. If a shadchan or someone involved is saying somthing derogatory or something that can break someone and if the parties accept it they could all be likened to dogs. Throughout the Tanach, the dog is used as a symbol of insult and degradation. A story of how Lashon Hara/ slander really destroyed someone in Shidduchim is, some years ago, there was a righteous Yeshiva student in Israel who was starting to go out on Shidduchim (Jewish dating), he asked advice from his Rabbi on how he should be relaxed before the date so that it would run smoothly, the Rabbi advised, have a small shot of whisky before the date, and then you will be relaxed. The gentleman went on the date with a girl from a sister seminary, listened to the Rabbi’s advice and was relaxed, after the date he asked for another date, however when the shadchan asked the girl she said ‘How can I go out with this drunkard, he smelled of alcohol?’ She then slandered him to all her room mates and friends in the seminary; while the girls in the seminary listened to this ‘juicy’ news (accepting this slander) he quickly got labelled as a ‘drunkard.’ Whenever girls were suggested his name, they had heard from the original girl, other girls who heard from other people this untrue slander or the original shadchan that he was a drunkard and no shadchanim would set him up, even the Rabbi that was the head of the Seminary cruelly warned girls about him wrongly accusing him of being a drunk. After two years of not being set up, he found out that all this slander was being spoken about him and that’s why no one set him up. All these ‘so called religious people,’ had slandered this really nice righteous guy, labelling him a drunkard when he was the perfect man. All the people making accusations, including the head Rabbi of the Seminary, the Shadchans and seminary students weren’t just all guilty for Lashon Hara they all purely slandered the innocent man. In a way they spiritually killed him with their poisonous tongues, how could these people go about repenting for how this innocent gentleman suffered? The initial Shadchan, may have been successfully setting other people up on dates, however I am sure she did not lose any sleep over ‘spiritually murdering’ this innocent man. No one actually even properly tried to find out what this guy was really like; they were so fixed on slandering him. This proves that this circle of Shadchans and the Seminary girls actually had the problem as people who are so quick to judge others for the worse are actually rotten themselves! Eventually the man did get married and there was happy ending, also if we go by what the sages say, he gets all the mitzvot of the head Rabbi of the Sem, Shadchans and the girls of the seminary as they continuously ridiculed him. However this proves how Lashon Hara can spiritually kill someone!! All this evil talk by these ‘religious’ people ruined to some degree this righteous mans life. Causing him all this humiliation and embarrassment. It also shows how Shadchanim could also abuse their position and destroy others peoples lives and also lose their own portions in the world to come and it shows how careful they have to be!
